From Friction to Flow: How Understanding Natural Abilities Improves Communication and Relationships
Have you ever met someone at work who you really click with? You enjoy sitting together at lunch and even hanging out with them on weekends … but when it comes time to work on a project together, you’re like oil and water:
You’re deliberate and prefer a slower pace. They like to jump into action and move quickly.
You need time on your own to think through a proposed solution before discussing it. They want to talk it out together.
You can envision the bigger picture. They have a harder time seeing anything beyond the next step.
Nothing is “wrong” with either of your approaches. They’re just different.
These types of disparities show up almost everywhere: at work and outside of work, including with the people we care about most.
When we don’t understand how others think, communication becomes harder than it needs to be. We personalize what others say to us. We make assumptions. We push harder when something isn’t working … often, creating more friction in the relationship.
But when we do understand those differences, something shifts.
Frustration gives way to curiosity. Empathy replaces irritation. We can learn how to relate to others as they are, bridging style gaps instead of widening them. Working with, not against, one another.
How Natural Abilities Affect Communication at Work and in Relationships
The Highlands Ability Battery is primarily associated with self-awareness around how you think, solve problems, make decisions, learn, and communicate. These insights are incredibly valuable for making career decisions and boosting your performance and satisfaction at work.
But its impact doesn’t stop there.
As you learn about your natural abilities and style preferences, you also begin to understand what it’s like for people whose brains are wired differently. This recognition is a powerful first step in improving communication and strengthening relationships.
Empathy encourages us to imagine how others might feel. Awareness of natural abilities invites us to consider how others might think.
In the absence of this awareness, tension often arises without anyone realizing that natural abilities and style preferences could be driving it. Here are a few common examples:
At work:
What might look like overthinking on one side and haste on the other is often a difference in approach, not competence or commitment. (Highlands refers to this ability as “Concept Organization.”)
One team member takes a logical, linear approach to a process. They need to meticulously follow every step of a process—in order. Skipping even a single step makes them uneasy. “We’re moving too fast; have we thought this through?”
Another person on the team can cut through layers of detail and take decisive action more quickly. This person grows impatient with what seems to them like unnecessary actions. “We know the result we want and how to get there. Let’s get to work!”
Another familiar workplace dynamic stems from different strengths in generating ideas versus executing on them (“Idea Productivity”), but can be perceived as a lack of commitment to a quality deliverable or a reflection of motivation.
One colleague is a natural brainstormer who can come up with multiple ways to approach a challenge. This person is energized by exploring possibilities. “What if we tried it this way? Or that way? Or another way?”
The other excels at implementation, focusing on one or two options and taking action to see them through execution. This person gets antsy, annoyed and often, overwhelmed. “We have plenty of ideas on the table. Can we just pick one and move forward?”
When viewed as complementary, the two sides of the continuum each offer value to the team, keeping things fresh … and moving along.
In close relationships:
Conversations about high-stakes decisions—e.g., finances, careers, buying a home, to name a few—can be fraught with tension. But it’s not always about the thing being discussed. Often, it’s a mismatch in approach.
One partner naturally thinks ahead and feels more at ease when there’s a clear sense of what’s on the horizon—even if that means years into the future. They can anticipate future needs and are compelled to plan ahead. “Where do you see us planting roots when we start a family?”
The other is more present-oriented, focused on what’s happening now, and prefers to respond as situations unfold. They often feel overwhelmed or pushed. “Why do we need to worry about this now?”
What can look like anxiety on one side and avoidance on the other is often neither. It’s a difference in how far into the future each person naturally thinks … and when it feels right to discuss it. (“Time Frame Orientation”)
These differences can create a healthy balance in relationships. Couples who bring both vantage points into their decisions and planning can address what's happening now while also preparing for what's down the road.
Another common source of recurring friction in relationships is a difference in what each partner notices—or misses. (“Observation”)
One partner may be highly observant, quickly picking up on small changes and details: a new haircut, a different sweater, a reorganized drawer, or a subtle shift in mood. They’re often quick to acknowledge what they see or ask about it. “You don’t love the idea, do you?”
When the dynamic is reversed, the other partner may not register these changes at all. What feels obvious to one simply doesn’t land on the radar of the other. Over time, this can lead to hurt feelings or resentment: “I worked so hard on that … how could you miss it?”
“The goal isn’t to change anyone ... It’s to expand your capacity to work with differences rather than against them. ”
Not noticing isn’t the same as not caring.
Bearing this in mind, the couple can adjust without blame: the more observant partner can be more direct when seeking feedback, while the other can make a conscious effort to tune in more closely.
Awareness turns a personal slight into a shared opportunity for understanding, growth and a deeper relationship.
In parent-teen relationships
Parent–teen interactions can be tricky enough. Differences in natural abilities and style preferences may come as a surprise to the parent and risk misinterpretation by both, exacerbating challenges in the relationship.
A parent who’s energized by being around others might expect their teen to come home from school or practice full of enthusiasm to share the details of their day. They may feel brushed off or hurt when their teen rushes off to their bedroom and closes the door. “I’ve barely seen you all day. Can’t we just talk for a few minutes?”
But their teen might need a chance to decompress on their own before they’re ready to engage in conversation. “I just got home. I need some space first.”
The parent interprets the teen’s avoidance as rejection. The teen perceives the parent as pushy and annoying. Neither (or both) might be true, but the disconnect may be more about a difference in how much people interaction each person finds restores or drains their energy. (“Introversion/Extroversion”)
Academic challenges can introduce another layer of misunderstanding.
A teen may struggle to retain information through reading or verbal repetition, even though they’re genuinely trying. Listening to audiobooks, watching videos, or talking concepts through may work far better for them. (“Verbal Memory”)
A parent who relies heavily on verbal memory may push harder: “You just need to try harder … We’ve already gone over this.” The teen grows discouraged or defensive. “I tried … Why don’t you believe me?”
When the parent realizes that, rather than a lack of effort, the challenge stems from a mismatch between how information is being delivered and how the teen’s brain naturally takes it in, they can better support their teen.
Understanding Opens Opportunities for Deeper Connection
Awareness doesn’t eliminate differences, but it does give you options for better managing them. It allows you to slow down, speed up, clarify expectations, or change how information is exchanged. All without compromising who you are or asking others to do the same.
As a result, conversations feel less charged and become more productive. And relationships grow deeper and richer.
If you’re looking for ways to bridge gaps, consider experimenting with a few small shifts:
Notice where conversations consistently stall or escalate. Invite curiosity. What might be going on beneath the surface?
Suspend judgment and resist the urge to label the person or behavior. Instead, focus on the natural ability or style preference and how it may differ from yours.
Communicate your own needs and style preferences more explicitly.
Ask questions! The best way to find out how to better communicate with and relate to others is to learn about their needs and preferences.
Honor, don’t second-guess, the way others make decisions, solve problems, learn and communicate.
Find ways to meet in the middle. Even small adjustments can create meaningful change.
Embrace different styles. Recognize and appreciate how they create balance—on teams and in personal relationships.
The goal isn’t to change anyone, but rather to adjust your approach to interacting with them. It’s to expand your capacity to work with differences rather than against them.
When that happens, friction gives way to flow. And communication, collaboration and connections all benefit.
p.s. Natural abilities are a foundational piece of the puzzle—but they don’t provide the whole picture. Career decisions are also shaped by interests, values, goals, and more. In the same way, communication and relationships are influenced by many factors beyond abilities and style preferences, including emotional triggers, relationship patterns, family-of-origin dynamics, and others.
Gain Insights … On Your Own, With a Partner, or in Small Groups
Curious about discovering your natural abilities and how they show up in your work or relationships? Ready to turn these insights into practical strategies for stronger connections and better communication?